Accepting What IS Makes Life Better

Accepting life as it really IS presents a challenge! We are frustrated when things don’t work like we want. We can find a path of serenity and well-being using the skill of Acceptance so prominent in the Serenity Prayer. With the wisdom of this time-honored petition we can make choices which bring well-being no matter what we face.   

 Segments include:

Niebuhr’s Prayer meets the frustrations of life

Four Unchangeable things we face

Acceptance amid the realities

Untangling thoughts from actions

The neglected ingredient—grace

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Chapters

• 0:43 Niebuhr’s Prayer meets the frustrations of life
• 3:59 Four Unchangeable things we face
• 8:41 Acceptance amid the realities
• 9:58 Untangling thoughts from actions
• 15:54 The neglected ingredient—grace

Transcript

You probably know the words:

 “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

 The prayer is used today by millions who are in recovery and hangs on thousands of walls as a beautiful plaque. Today I want to explore this prayer for the spiritual and psychological truth it provides. Frankly, all of us need the skill of Acceptance to navigate these difficult days. 

The prayer is traced to a well-known preacher and theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr, an extraordinary Lutheran pastor, professor and social activist in the mid-20th century. His teachings tried to find a practical balance between the ideals of Christian ethics and the evils of an unjust world. During the tumultuous world events of the 1930’s and 1940’s, when it seemed like all the demons of Hell had been loosed on the world in revolutions, wars, genocides and economic depressions, Niebuhr composed or adapted the prayer and began to use it in his lectures and sermons.

One version that Niebuhr shared is a little different than the one we know today[1]:

 “God, give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”

 In the first phrase, we are challenged to “accept with serenity the things which cannot be changed.” Now, that’s a showstopper. The idea of being powerless and unable to change things galls us a bit. We don’t like to be told that there are things in this world that we can’t change. The Army has a motto, “The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little longer.” And that’s the way mankind has lived. We’ve rebuilt the earth, conquered the skies and space, tunneled under the mountains, abolished some disease, and lifted the quality of life for billions. Surely the past 500 years have proven Niebuhr’s prayer as unneeded.

But our lives inflict a cruel blow as the years go by—we discover there are lots of things we cannot change. We may try until our souls and minds are bruised and exhausted, then finally we admit we’re whipped. 

 Let’s be real and wise. What are things we cannot change? Let me suggest four unchangeable facets of life all of us will encounter.

 We can’t change the past. The rushing river of time removes instantly our ability to change the word just spoken, the button just pushed, the arrow just shot, or the judgment just rendered. Real life has no rewind button. Time flows like a great river past us and we cannot stop it. Yet, we often agonize over the past, saying, “What if…” King David prayed with deep sorrow, “For I know my transgressions, and my sins are always before me” (Psalm 51:3). 

 We can’t change the choices of others. You are surrounded by free human beings who determined what they wanted to do. We often try to make their choices. We hint, demand, whine, persuade, nag, pressure—how many words do we have in our language that describe trying to change another’s mind? Sometimes we get it done. But the cost is high. Anger and resentment build when we play those games. What we have forced someone to do doesn’t work out well. Jesus permitted Judas to perform the worst act of betrayal in human history. In the same way, I must accept the fact that I cannot control you.

 We cannot change the initial emotional reaction that sweeps across our body after an event occurs. Emotions arise when we perceive an event, arousing almost instantly many physical changes and brain activities in the visceral motor system. The emotions of surprise, anger, love, disgust, sadness and others happen in nanoseconds across the entire body—and we cannot change this response. 

 We can’t change the inevitability of death. Every one of the billions who have walked across our planet have faced their own moment with the dark valley of death. I will do the same and so will you. Now certainly we want to do all we can to postpone that day, by eating right, exercise, preventative medical care, healthy emotions and all the rest. But the day will certainly come when the words of Ecclesiastes are fulfilled, when, “the silver cord is severed, and the golden bowl is broken; before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, and the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it” (Eccl 12:6-7). 

 The four Unchangeables are with us each day. These unalterable realities go against the grain of our independent hearts. It makes us frustrated! A few months ago I totally disagreed with the choices made by leaders in my church. The Board fired the pastor and associate pastor, claiming they failed to supervise an employee. I was shocked, appalled, and angry over what I perceived as an injustice. I spoke out in an emergency meeting attended by hundreds. My wife and I stopped attending the worship service for months in protest. But, the choice could not be changed. I struggled to practice this hard work of Acceptance.

 I think the Serenity Prayer keeps on this track to find some answers. Reinhold Niebuhr lived through one of the most difficult eras in modern history. A Lutheran minister and seminary professor for more than 30 years, he opposed the rise of the Nazi regime, Communism, unchecked capitalism, and racism. He certainly faced the Unchangeables. What did he propose to help us deal with a life like this? His formula is in the prayer itself.

 “God, grant me the grace to accept with serenity the things I cannot change…”

 “Acceptance” is a life skill meaning the choice to live according to reality. When I accept a gift, then I receive the item as a fact and make it a part of my life. When I accept the charges for a purchase, it means that I confirm the reality of that monetary exchange. When I accept responsibility for a decision, then I commit myself to live in the reality of the consequences. I often encourage my clients to practice Acceptance as the willingness to take and hold what life offers, without needless defense, even if this involves difficult or negative feelings. Acceptance does not seek to escape, deny, or avoid feelings, but instead acknowledges and embraces them as they are. For instance, when a loved one dies, we should accept the sadness and mixed feelings without condemning our reaction as being weak and something we should get over quickly. The same thing can happen with these Unchangeables. We should embrace them and live according to their reality. It just makes sense. It is truly a step toward life at its best.

This acknowledgment brings another phase of Acceptance. We can practice “defusion,” meaning disconnecting our interpretation of an event from our actions. If I smash my thumb with a hammer, I can shout, “Ouch!” and soak it in cold water. That contrasts with the reaction to angrily throw the hammer across the room at my coworker. That dysfunctional connection is called, “fusion,” meaning the entanglement of what I am thinking and what I am doing. Fusion ties our behavior and thought pattern together in unreasonable ways. For example, when Zeke ran a red light and got a ticket, he blamed Ursula, “You were telling me that stupid story about your mother and I couldn’t concentrate!” Zeke had fused his behavior of poor driving with his blame-fixing on Ursula. How much better it would have been if he had checked his irrational thought connected to his behavior and assumed responsibility for his action. His defusion—to separate the angry thought about the ticket from Ursula’s conversation—would move him to act according to his best values, inducing a better mood and avoiding offending Ursula. [2]

It’s encouraging to find that persons of faith have been on this same path. We can embrace Acceptance as we meet the Unchangeables.

 We accept that we cannot change the past, just as the Apostle Paul advised for his friends in Philippi. He wrote, “forgetting what is behind and straining to what is ahead, I press on toward the goal” (Philippians 3:14). That is precisely the strategy we need.  Paul is not advocating living in a state of amnesia, unable to recall the past. He is saying that the spiritual journey must not be hindered by the snares of the past that keep us mired in regret and sorrow. In today’s words, just let go of it. Embrace today and the new opportunities you have.

 We accept the choices of others. We can stop using so much effort to manipulate other people to do what we think is best. That is usually a sign that we are caring about ourselves and our interests more than the other person! Remember when Paul wrote to the Romans about eating meat offered to idols? Each was accusing the other of sin over this ethical dilemma. His bottom line is in Romans 15:7, “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” In many matters of life, I should accept what you choose, even though I may not agree. That is a crucial distinction. Acceptance is not approval or compromise of conviction. It is recognition of our fellow human in all her nuances and facets of living. Give the other person grace and toleration, after all, they probably are working to tolerate you!

 We accept our emotional reactions as they are, without defense or judgment or denial. You are a genuine human. You will be provoked to anger, scared out of your wits, lust after bodily gratification, be empty after a loss. But these bodily and neural reactions are only the first stage. You can choose how you will interpret and respond to each event. When you feel sad, you can choose to retreat into bed, or to go for a meditative stroll. When you are angry, you can choose in a moment whether to scream at a mate or take a deep breath to consider your words. Accepting the power of the emotion and channeling the energy for constructive ends is using the mighty power of a crashing wave to surf it to the beach with a smile. 

 We can make peace with the inevitable end of our earthly lives. None of us will escape this world alive. To accept our mortality is not a fatalistic defeat but a freedom to live in harmony with the plans of God and the cycles of every being in the Universe. We make each day meaningful as a gift that God has given, and joyfully expect eternity to extend our pleasures with Him. We find Paul’s dilemma true for us, “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me” (Philippians 1:21-22). For the believer, the inevitability of death is not a dark curtain that ends the show but an intermission that brings a second and great act. We do this by living fully each day of our journey. 

 I said earlier Niebuhr’s original prayer had something that the later, popular versions left out. Listen again, “God, grant me the grace to accept with serenity the things I cannot change…”

 God’s grace is the helping force that makes the way for our stubborn hearts to accept reality as it is. God is present with us in each moment, drawing us to the best choice possible. We can choose to receive the grace of divine love leading to the best. Cooperating with God to accept what we cannot change will certainly bring serenity even in the face of great challenges.

 Perhaps you would pray this today over a situation in your own life. Hear it one more time:

 “God, give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”

[1] Fred Shapiro, “You Can Quote Them.” Yale University Alumni Magazine, July/August, 2010. https://www.yalealumnimagazine.com/articles/2926-you-can-quote-them
[2] Acceptance and Defusion are discussed in Learning ACT, Second Edition. J. Luoma, S. Hayes, R. Walser. Context Press, 2027.