Surmounting Spiritual Abuse

The headlines of abuse by religious leaders have shocked the world. It's time to lift the silence and uncover teachings that have made it worse, including patriarchy, erotophobia, and xenophobia. The good news is that victims can surmount spiritual abuse. Speak the truth today.

Segments include:
Patriarchy promotes misogony
Erotophobia sabotages healthy esteem and relationships
Xenophobia polarizes communities
Surmount abuse by owning the distortions and building a network for health

CITED

Carolyn Radofsky, “Ministry that once nourished Duggar’s family faith falls from grace.” www.nbcnews.com. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/ministry-nourished-duggar-familys-faith-falls-grace-rcna14024

Clyde Haberman, “How an abstinence pledge in the ‘90’s shamed a generation of evangelicals.” https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/06/us/abstinence-pledge-evangelicals.html?smid=tw-share

Marlene Winell, Leaving the Fold. The Apocryphile Press, 2007.

Transcript

I had just begun my work as a hospital chaplain in Amarillo, Texas when the news rocked the community: ten priests had sexually abused the children of the area. Across many years the Bishop had covered up the abuse, stonewalled accusers, and reassigned the perpetrators to other parishes, thus allowing the molesters to continue finding victims. The Texas city had a higher percent of offenders than nearly anywhere else in the nation. A Catholic chaplain wasn’t surprised, though. She knew the stories and some of the victims. In her mind, the church itself was the perpetrator of systemic spiritual abuse. Since then, the news has only gotten worse. The Amarillo diocese ultimately admitted 30 priests over more than 60 years were involved and has been forced to pay out millions in restitution to victims. Just last month, it was revealed that the head of the national anti-abortion group Priests for Life, Frank Pavone, had been allowed to continue ministry for years after multiple women had filed complaints with the Diocese. He was eventually defrocked by the church but continues to lead the national group.

Baptists certainly can’t throw stones. Over 700 ministers in the Southern Baptist Convention were on a secret list identified with abuse allegations. The churches were kept in the dark and never informed. Dozens of women came forward and resignations for the coverup took down convention leaders. The pot is still boiling with lawsuits, Department of Justice investigations, and angry accusations against the victims firing up cyberspace.

Sick. Shameful. Criminal. Those words describe the abuse from within the church which has traumatized thousands of victims. It’s time to face this tragedy and help the wounded. 

I’m Larry Payne, your host of TFJ. I’m seeking to improve your well-being through progressive Christian teaching, psychology, history, and science. You can find out more on my website, TFJ.com. In this episode let’s have courage to lift the veil of denial on the issue of spiritual abuse. It is a cause of emotional trauma that can linger for a lifetime. But there is some good news: victims can surmount spiritual abuse.

The highly publicized cases of sexual abuse perpetrated by religious leaders have shocked the world. Untold thousands were victimized. All of us can agree that these are criminal behaviors. Our prayer can be that healing of psychic wounds may come and justice served on the criminals. 

My focus in this episode, however, will be on emotional abuse through false and toxic spiritual teaching that diminishes well-being. Well-meaning as they may be, some religious leaders are perpetuating doctrines that stymie the goal of Jesus to offer abundant life. Let me say that I am not accusing any leader of intentionally harming those who follow these ideas. I am saying that when I look at the results of these teachings it’s clear that faithful people have been deeply hurt. That’s a good clue the teachings are also out-of-line with the best theology for healthy living. Doctrines that don’t help people live well should be abandoned. Seminary and 45 years of ministry have given me a glimpse of the good and the bad in spiritual teaching. Based on this, I believe there are some current teachings that are barriers to spiritual and emotional health. Jesus promised, “I came that you may have life and have it abundantly.” Let’s find a way to claim that gift.

A crazy story of spiritual abuse is in the book of Acts. Paul and his companions encounter a slave girl who is believed to be a prophetess of the Delphi Oracle. It’s a classic story of trafficking, where the woman is owned by men who exploit her for money. Think of a fortune-teller slave operating on the streets of Philippi, giving messages that tell the future for a price. The Bible gives her no name because she is just property to be used for gain. Paul uses his gifts to confront her and her owners, breaking the psychological control and exploitive system that bound her. This enabled her to escape from her captors and the abuse, provoking her owners to bring a charge of criminal conduct against the apostles. Yes, spiritual abuse has been around a long time.

The first troubling distortion is patriarchy. Patriarchy elevates the capacities, power, and privileges of a man above a woman. It is the foundation of teachings such as: the man is the head of the household and a woman is to submit, that church leaders must be male, that women are too emotional to be in charge of companies, or that men should earn more. At one time, I attended a church that followed the teaching of a man named Bill Gothard. He built his teaching on an extreme patriarchy, where God’s authority flowed through men. I think this pervasive ideology is abuse because it mounts a corrosive attack on the self-esteem, careers, status, and spirituality of women. It also forges a male privilege which twists the stereotypes and privileges in favor of men. Tragically, Gothard himself was forced out of ministry after allegations of sexual molestation and abuse, which are crimes of patriarchal power. We should grieve the pain patriarchy brings to every woman today and mourn the incalculable loss of human advancement it has produced. Jesus lived out an equality for the sexes that pushed against the patriarchy of the ancient world. I covered this in more detail in the recent episode, “Gals, Guys, and God.” The church should be fighting for full equality and condemning misogyny . I left the Southern Baptist church when patriarchy was enshrined in the basic doctrines. Each of us should ask, if our church is not offering equality, why are you still attending? If your company is not providing equal pay, why are you not speaking up? 

Erotophobia is another toxic distortion. Erotophobia is defined as the excessive fear of sexual functions. It can be a clinical issue which troubles a person about intimate relationships and requires professional therapy. My use of the word is to characterize the underlying distortion that sex is basically sinful, to be avoided, and must be rigidly controlled. I believe this is abusive. I regret leading a church 30 years ago that promoted a shame-driven purity culture for teens. It was a part of a worldwide history which is full of religious distortions about sex, from idealizing celibacy, to criminalizing homosexuality, to forcing women to dress in shapeless bags, to perpetrating a double standard of sexual conduct for men versus women. Teens get the distorted message their bodies are instruments of evil and all erotic thoughts must be suppressed. It is tragic that this message of shame and impurity sabotages what is normal in human relationships and reduces ethical decisions to obeying rigid purity codes. Perhaps this message of shame has contributed to the criminal actions I talked about in the beginning of this show. Research has shown many adults carried dysfunctional messages into adult relationships. It’s vital that we promote understanding over ignorance. We can forge ethical decisions that honor our sacred personhood and unite partners in sexual pleasure. Healthy sexual expression is important for full well-being. It can take various healthy avenues beyond the traditional models that have been idealized—but rarely followed—in the past. My podcast episode, “Sex is okay with God,” has more information. Without sex, none of us would be here, right? So, let’s educate wisely and celebrate person-affirming sex.

I find another troubling abuse of human thriving in xenophobia. That’s a fancy word for being afraid of others who are different. It is the fear that underlies racism, ethnic hatred, religious exclusion, and class distinctions. American history is littered with the horrific actions of one group against the other. Our forefathers saw Native Americans as savages and waged war against them. I have Native American relatives whose parents were taken from their homes as children and forced to attend reeducation centers that destroyed Indian traditions. Religious xenophobia brings some Protestants to condemn Catholics to Hell and vice versa. At various times we’ve vilified immigrants from Asia, or Jews from Europe, or the Irish, or Muslims. Xenophobia is abuse because it denies human solidarity. Labels and stereotypes blind us to our similarities. Humans are the same worldwide and any other message is an afront to the God who made us all in God’s image. We should decry racist immigration policies. We should turn away from religious interpretations that promote their truth as the only truth and all other views are evil. It is okay to promote what you believe; it is not okay to condemn all who reject your parochial ideas. In our world now, Southern Baptist churches who have women ministers are being removed, Catholic parishioners who support pro-choice are being denied communion, and Anglicans are dividing over LBGTIA equality. Do you remember the tragedy of Jonestown, when Jim Jones, a charismatic man claiming to speak for God, led over 900 people to die by suicide when his cult was threatened? Fear of others who were against his teachings led to this disaster. I think the people we should actually fear are those who promote their power and privilege above all others. How can a person be healthy if we live in divided and polarized communities that thrive on perceiving others as enemies? In contrast, Jesus prayed for us all to be one people and welcomed the marginalized and different to the kingdom. We should put that ideal into action. Solidarity with all others in our global civilization is the only way forward.

These distortions of faith and practice have harmed many people. The good news is that healing from spiritual trauma is possible. Therapists have made great strides in recovery from trauma. We can begin the work of recovery from spiritual abuse by following some basic ideas.

The first is to recognize the dysfunction and pain. We choose to face the reality of our condition, not glossing over the trauma that has hurt us. This recognition may come to a woman who realizes she submits to the unreasonable demands of an authoritative husband has harmed her emotionally. Perhaps a Christian carpenter works alongside a devout Muslim who is also a loving community activist for the homeless. In reflection, the teaching that Islam was a false religion harmed his love for neighbor, which is the heart of the way Jesus wants us to live. Awareness of how we’ve been harmed by abusive ideas is the beginning. We should grieve what has been lost. Owning that we have been victimized is a start of healing.

A second step comes when we identify the detrimental thoughts we’ve applied to our lives and seek to build better ideas. “I’m all messed up because I am attracted to girls like me,” is a belief which can fill a young woman’s heart with toxic shame. “Black men are dangerous,” is a racist stereotype that destroys community in a pluralistic city. “Whatever the priest says must be okay since he is a God ordained leader,” breeds evasion of personal responsibility in moral decision-making. When we can name these distorted thought patterns there is hope for change to healthy growth. We can begin to love our Self as Jesus taught. Marlene Winell writes, “Even though you were taught that God is love and Jesus is the Good Shepherd you could never be loved unconditionally. You were not OK just as you were but were intrinsically bad, weak, needy, and incomplete… you were saddled with original sin before you even had a chance.” I believe the truth is that you have immeasurable worth to God and the world. You have unique capacities and promise. Your body is valuable and deserves respect. You can appreciate and love this wonderful Self.

A third step is to embrace new beliefs with others. We must have support from others, people who have walked the path to well-being. Change at these deep levels is so challenging it might fail if we try to do it alone. Gather with folks who are working through the same changes. Find a new church, an online support group, or a role model who inspires. Keep learning and growing. God is there with you for healthy change. 

A man I know was shunned by his family and church when he came out as gay. People told him God hated what he felt and the community that accepted him. Years of depression and loneliness followed him as he struggled with this abuse. Then came a visit with a young minister who really believed the Bible’s teaching that God loved every human being in the world, showing in Jesus an acceptance that didn’t turn any seeker away. We can love our Self as God created us. This man felt his faith rekindled. He joined a new place where he could grow in faith and follow the Savior in love. 

Many have suffered from spiritual abuse. There is hope in a path of recovery from teachings that tear down our well-being. I hope you will discover healing from any distorted ideas that have diminished your life. I can recommend my fellow therapists at betterhelp.com. I look forward to hearing from you if you would like to email me at trackspodcast@mail.com.

CITED

Carolyn Radofsky, “Ministry that once nourished Duggar’s family faith falls from grace.” www.nbcnews.com. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/ministry-nourished-duggar-familys-faith-falls-grace-rcna14024

Clyde Haberman, “How an abstinence pledge in the ‘90’s shamed a generation of evangelicals.” https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/06/us/abstinence-pledge-evangelicals.html?smid=tw-share

Marlene Winell, Leaving the Fold. The Apocryphile Press, 2007.