Trust: Don't leave home without it

Who can we trust today? Really, we can’t live with fullness without trusting the people around us and being trustworthy ourselves. Join me in exploring what trust means for your relationships, faith, and wellbeing.

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Chapters

• 2:24 Science and Trust
• 6:44 Trust and Faith
• 13:59 Trust in Relationships

Transcript

Did you think about trust the last time you boarded a plane? I know you were in a hurry to find a seat, stow your gear, check out the people who might sit next to you, and listen to the safety instructions. Well, maybe not listen too closely. But I’m guessing that trust didn’t cross you mind. However, the moment you clicked your seat belt you were trusting lots of people with your life. The technicians who built that intricate machine, the mechanics who serviced the thousands of parts overnight, the air traffic controllers watching dozens of aircraft in the sky, the baggage handlers moving your suitcases, the flight attendants keeping you comfortable, and, of course, the pilot who will handle this huge piece of steel, packed with jet fuel, flying 7 miles high, at 500 mph! Trust—you can’t leave home without it!

Welcome to TFJ, the podcast seeking your wellbeing through progressive Christian spirituality, psychology, history, and science. We can’t live without trusting the people around us. So, let’s explore what that means for your relationships, faith, and wellbeing.

Psychologists tell us that we begin building trust, or not, from our first breath. A baby records in the deepest parts of the brain whether a parent responds with food, a comfortable environment, and emotional care. Each day she is measuring whether her world can be trusted, or whether there is insecurity or danger. Relationships of trust can grow with the people around her until she is secure in her identity, trusting of her people, and able to manage the risks of her world.

It's also possible that parents or others fail to provide this good environment. Children can experience others acting with neglect, anger, anxiety, irrationality, or even violence. These behaviors and words are like poison to the heart of trust. Tragically, the effects will linger for years to lower the quality of life.

What is this quality we call “trust?” In the realm of our relationships, a basic idea is relying on the other person to behave in a way that benefits us. Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned psychologist, proposes this idea in his book, The Science of Trust. We trust a person who consistently acts in ways that safely help and promote our interests. We trust a friend who checks on us after a rough workday. We trust a spouse who discusses all financial transactions for mutual agreement. A trustworthy friend is one I know will be there for me, choosing to advance my wellbeing (Gottman, Science, 176). 

When my wife had surgery and was hospitalized for more than a week, friends and family showed up to help. One spent the night with her to give me a break. Dozens checked by phone or text on her progress. Others came to visit for her long recovery. Food showed up at our front door for days. We trusted these people, then and now, because they acted for our wellbeing. 

It’s okay to consider levels of trust as being different with different people, of course. I trust the plumber working at my house to fix the pipe but wouldn’t let give him my passwords. I trust the pilot flying my plane but might not trust her to babysit my grandson. I hope, on the other hand, that you have several friends that have proved themselves completely trustworthy of your life and hopes.

Trust allows us to live a better quality of life. Our stone age ancestors 100,000 years ago, living in small tribal units, found trust to be the essential element to bind clans together in a brutal and dangerous world. Emotionally, it’s no different in 2022. Gottman’s research shows that when we can find environments of trust it brings a sense of safety, lowering our anxiety, building our productivity, enhancing our resiliency, and boosting our physical health (Gottman, Science, 78). Putting all this research and experience together we can say, trust is the foundation for wellbeing.

Trust is a vital part of spirituality in every faith tradition. William Curtis Holtzen has great insights in his book, The God Who Trusts. Christians hold belief in God is necessary. But Holtzen offers an important truth by teaching that we should distinguish between belief and trust. Belief is focused on concepts, while trust is focused on persons. I may believe the physics of powered flight are true, yet never trust the many persons working to assure my flight is safe enough to buy a ticket. Trust in God as a living and relational being, more than belief in a set of doctrines, is the cornerstone of faith.

Do you find trusting God hard? Many do. The experiences of life have not convinced them that God behaves in ways that help them or promote their wellbeing. Perhaps a prayer for help with marriage problems was not answered, or an illness continued to ravage a loved one in spite of anointings. Natural disasters or horrific atrocities cause many to distrust that God is willing to help us, or even able to do so. The Bible tells many stories of folks who struggled to trust God. Once Jesus asked a man about his faith. The man’s son was desperately ill with a mental disorder. The man answered, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” His words echo our own struggles, don’t they? We want to trust God but find it so hard in the storms of life. Holtzen writes, “For faith to be healthy and growing, trust is a much-needed element. The contrary to faith is not doubt but distrust, not a failing to believe what is true about God but a failing to trust in the love, will, and wisdom of God” (Holtzen, Trusts, 46-47).

 Perhaps one issue is our misplaced expectations of God. Like a selfish child who throws a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way, we become angry when God doesn’t fulfill our needs or wishes. But the records of faith don’t contain any declaration from God to guarantee our wellbeing. The Bible has general and hope-filled declarations, like the oft-quoted verse from Jeremiah, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” But these words in context are to the exiled nation of Judah, not one person. They are also conditional on the response of the people who choose to collaborate with God’s work in Babylon in order to possess that promised future. While we may rightly ask God for a future with hope, we cannot treat God as a servant to unilaterally produce our good fortune. To trust God, we must be careful with the expectations we hold.

I find it helpful to hold a doctrine of God built on God’s uncontrolling love. As theologian Thomas Oord points out, Jesus is our window to the true nature of God as love which is non-coercive yet life-giving (Oord, Theology). Jesus collaborated with nature and human beings in mutuality that called forth life, not forcing his will on them.  In the same way now, the ever-present God collaborates with all entities of the universe without altering the normal material processes. For example, I can trust God has been and is now at work in my body for health, seeking my collaboration, yet not expect the Spirit to zap my athlete’s foot fungus overnight in a stroke of miraculous healing. This theology, called Open Theism, defines my expectation of God to be in line with the way Jesus revealed and the workings of the universe. “The righteous will live by trust,” is a paraphrase of the central teaching of Scripture that guides our journey with God.

Trust can grow in any relationship. One of the foundations for trust is paying attention to what psychologists’ call “attunement.” Gottman describes this as understanding the emotions of the other person. We do this by awareness of what she is feeling, turning toward the emotions without judgment or dismissal, seeking to understand what the other is experiencing, and offering our empathy (Gottman, Science, 191). Think about Leo, who comes in from the garage to find Melinda crying at the kitchen table. He gently says, “What’s going on?’ This question seeks understanding and will build trust as Melinda begins to share the hurt from her negative annual evaluation at work. But what if Leo spouts, “What is wrong with you now?” Obviously, those words are disrespecting and derisive. Melinda will seal up her heart, knowing she cannot trust him with her authentic needs. 

What does Leo need? He needs to attune with Melinda. Attunement builds trust and healthy relationships. He can start by not being afraid of the tears, dismissing them because he doesn’t want any drama to interfere with his activities. Then he should seek to figure out what is happening with Melinda. Asking with true interest and non-judgment honors her as a person. Finally, he should offer compassion. Leo should show himself trustworthy by sitting down, taking her hand, and connecting his own experiences of criticism to what she is feeling. Leo, you can do this!

Turning back to our spiritual experience, we can say that trust is a two-way street. We must trust God and God must trust humans like us to do God’s work. God has taken a risk in giving each believer the choice of how we behave. God has taken a risk in giving communities of faith the choice of how they will model God to the world. As Holtzen explains, “God became dependent on others by means of willfully choosing to trust… By entering into relationships of mutual trust with autonomous human beings, God not only risks rejection but also risks many of God’s plans being thwarted. Trust, then, is a risk even for the divine” (Holtzen, Trusts, 128, 133). Jesus did not use mystical powers to control what Judas or Peter did during Holy Week. Neither proved trustworthy. We learn that God doesn’t override the decisions we make about faith and behavior. God grants us the freedom to choose our course. God’s trust is extended to us, awaiting our agreement to live with greater wellbeing. It is invigorating to our faith journey to know that God needs us and takes the risk to trust us! 

Trust. It is necessary for really thriving. We feel safe with persons who act to enhance our wellbeing. Children flourish, couples remain stable through the ups and downs of life, and workplaces become more productive. Our faith becomes stronger as we find we can trust God and be trustworthy for the work of the divine. We can even enjoy the next flight to a beautiful vacation destination! I hope you will move forward to enrich your journey by being trustworthy and by growing in trust with others.

Thanks for listening today. You can connect with more helps for your wellbeing on my website, tracksforthejourney.com. You can read the blog, order books, or connect to this podcast. A link to the full transcript is on my website. I invite you to follow the Facebook page, Tracks for the Journey. You can email me with the address, trackspodcast@ mail.com 

TFJ is produced at the Bright Star studio. All rights reserved. Hosting is by buzzsprout.com and music is from Pixabay.com.

CITED

Gottman, John M, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W.W. Norton and Company, 2011.

Holtzen, William Curtis, The God Who Trusts. IVPress, Academic, 2019.     

Oord, Thomas Jay, Open and Relational Theology. Sacrasage, 2021.

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